Unfortunately, when I confidently claimed there was no way last week’s viral dad dancing video was a set up because there’s no way popsters The Vamps would be associated with anyone over the age of 14 enjoying their music, I was only half right. It wasn’t staged to promote the band, but it was staged to highlight Thorpe Park’s introduction of special roped-off dad dancing zones at their summer concerts. Half right is still a bit right, though. Right?
In addition, the Surrey theme park has commissioned a report looking into the things parents do to embarrass their children, which sounds like it’s part warning, part encouragement if you ask me. Elsa is just 20-months-old so is too young to be bothered by any of this, but I’m perfectly happy to play the long game and plot my embarrassment with military precision.
Here are the ten most embarrassing parental traits according to the survey:
- Dad dancing – I’m all over this already and have been since I first set foot on a dancefloor. Think Bambi on ice but with less coordination.
- Public displays of affection – Or, as the kids say, #PDAs (see point 3).
- Trying to use the same words as their kids – I reckon this is sick. Bare sick. Not to mention mega groovy and bodacious. Radical.
- Wearing age inappropriate clothes – I do this already, but not in the way they mean. Rather than slogan t-shirts and ultra-skinny jeans, I like to wear charity shop tweed jackets and Farah slacks. If someone’s died in it, I’ll have it.
- Telling mortifying baby stories – I’m racking these up at a rate of knots.
- Tidying up after their children – STOP MAKING SUCH A MESS THEN!
- Befriending their kids on social media -What’s the point? They already know what you’ve had for breakfast, they don’t need it Instagrammed.
- Technophobia – Pfffft, I’m all over technology and I’ll be able to buy loads of gadgets thanks to my recent Nigerian lottery win. That reminds me, I must email them my bank details.
- Giving them the ‘facts of life’ talk – Elsa isn’t allowed to talk to boys until she’s 50, so this won’t be an issue for a while.
- Drinking too much – Every problem has a cause. Think on.