It is being reported today that One Direction star Louis Tomlinson is going to be joining the merry band of bleary-eyed dads in the new year, after finding out that girlfriend of just a few months, Briana Jungwirth is expecting.
The only ‘confirmation’ is coming from various unnamed ‘friends’, as these things often do, but everyone else is presenting it as fact so I might as well do too. They will just be happy it’s out in the open so they can stop telling the lies you find yourself uttering before the 12 week scan to throw people off the scent.
I wrote some advice on becoming a dad for the comedian Richard Herring when his wife was pregnant, so Louis can take a look at that because it’s fairly universal – essentially buy in plenty of tea for visitors and expect endless cooing over the little cherub by swarms of grannies. Or, as they are otherwise known, Harry Styles’ girlfriends.
The usually entirely rational (ahem) hoards of 1D fanatics went crazy at the news, with the hashtag #OhNoLouis soon trending, mirroring their almost unanimous displeasure. However, it could well be part of a long term strategy to recruit former member Zayn’s replacement from within.
It’s not so outrageous an idea – INXS found their new singer through a reality show, why can’t One Direction bring in a baby? They’re used to babbling incoherence, endless dribbling and flouncy tantrums, they worked with Louis Walsh once.
Besides, Louis T has a history of madcap projects that make no sense and make him seem faintly ridiculous, he tried to buy Doncaster Rovers.
Seriously though, Night Changes is going to take on a whole new meaning for him when that child drops in 2016. He’ll certainly know what it’s like to be Up All Night and will surely create some Midnight Memories during the long hours of feeding.*
* Here’s a Wikipedia entry that might help you with those last few gags.